From Jeff G. Bailey: The Ending is just the Beginner. After an incredibly successful & eventful Pit Fighter show you can read about ...
The Ending is just the Beginner.
After an incredibly successful & eventful Pit Fighter show you can read about right here…
The Chains have returned to Chattanooga for a huge night of violence, mayhem & a real life monster movie brought to life. I use a lot of adjectives & love to speak in hyperbole but in all seriousness, we got to witness something that felt outright criminal in SHLAK vs KRULE, but that’s much later.
We’re back in the splash zone for this show & the glass was raining down like a monsoon. At one point Melanie remarked “I’ve never seen so many bundles exploded in the crowd.” My response, “I KNOW!, Isn’t it great!? “ “Buy the ticket, take the ride, assume the risk.” I of course added the last part but HST would surely approve because he loved great writing.
As I start this report after that long one I wrote yesterday, as a man who could be doing anything he wanted right now, I asked myself why, but the answer is a simple one. I love talking about Death Match, I love promoting it & steering people towards it & raising its profile because I believe it’s the most exciting form of pro wrestling.
I’m also an incredible narcissist who thinks no one can write about it better than me & I feel like I’m recording important history that Death Match wrestling fans will be able to appreciate forever, but you know, I try to remain modest about all that.
As always you can watch on IWTV with The Struggles, Ron Niemi & Larry Legend. All fights officiated by the Iron Man referee Sean Patrick O’Brien. Let’s get to the action.
AKIRA vs Joel Bateman ADM Title Match
We’ve got a new American Death Match Champion in Joel Bateman & he’s kicking this show off with his first title defense against AKIRA.
Bateman enters the ring carrying a sack of door knobs. I don’t know if that’s a nod to the Simpsons & Moe Syzlak or just some really odd Australian thing, but it works for me either way.
They grapple around with neither really gaining an advantage. AKIRA had a really nice bridge to flip out of a wrist lock. The tubes come out & Bateman removes his shirt as they square off tube saber style. Bateman eats the tubes & is dropkicked out the ring. They fight in the crowd right in front of our chairs. Joel eats an Ole’ kick & is steady leaking right at my feet. That’s why the Jordan’s are at home.
Bateman tossed back in the ring & I breathe a sigh of relief our chairs survived. Right as I think this AKIRA sprays a drink all over my chair. All I can do is say Appreciate it, as complaining about getting something on your chair at Death Match is the equivalent of complaining about getting wet in the shower. It’s a participatory environment as in you’re participating as a target if you don’t pay close attention at all times.
Joel puts the samurai through a cut can door & goes to work slicing & stabbing on AKIRA with the cut can. We got blood splashing now. Neckbreaker followed by a back kick. Two chairs set up in a way to maim your opponent & Bateman does just that. Savagery abounds. The sack of knobs is emptied on the mat & hell awaits for someone. It’s AKIRA, as he’s suplexed on top of them in an incredibly painful looking spot. Bateman lays out AKIRA under a door & scales the platform. Big flipping senton but AKIRA gets his knees up. Big bridging German from AKIRA to Bateman on a door for a near fall.
AKIRA starts punching Joel with the cut cans & using them individually as weapons. Nice. Koppo kick for another near fall. Some knee strikes & AKIRA has a submission locked in while alternately is tearing Batemans flesh with the cut can. Tube kick to head, another kick out by Bateman. AKIRA goes to the platform with a bundle but Joel sweeps the leg & he crashes down onto the bundle.
Both men now on the platform as Joel superplexes AKIRA onto a barbed wire door. One huge head butt later & Joel Bateman remains the first International American Death Match Champion.
Danny out to put over AKIRA huge before focusing on Bateman & announcing the chains will be going down under mate or to quote Danny, “Death Match World Wide Mother Fuckers!” Fantastic opener.
Isiah Broner vs Dom Garrini
My first time seeing Broner & I’m impressed with his size & muscularity immediately. Let’s see how hard he hits. They start trying to budge each other with shoulder tackles but gain little ground. They take turns blasting each other with clotheslines but no one goes down. Finally a flying shoulder tackle puts Garrini down. Not for long though as he’s back up & they’re both throwing strikes & chops before Dom starts with the kicks. Broner right up from the kick with a lip bloodying mouth punch for Dom. Another snap mare, another back kick followed by another mouth punch.
They repeat this process until a huge spear from Broner turns the tide. Both men up trying to turn each other’s chest to hamburger & succeeding. A series of Kawada kicks from Dom has Broner stunned but he hits a huge flying forearm that lays Dom out. Just a two count. Broner goes for an F-5 but Dom catches him in a choke. Broner powers out with pure strength but Garrini hits a jumping knee & starts delivering pile drivers until the referee stops the fight.
Loved the finish. They fought like beasts. Strong w/e for Dom. His chest probably feels like someone put an iron on it like he was Penny or some shit. Good Times Indeed.
Satu Jinn vs Dale Patricks
Dale pearl harbors Satu before the bell with a chair to the leg & a bonus one for the back. Dale unties some chain to wrap his fist with & proceeds to beat Satu bloody. He then ties his leg into the chain & hammers it with the chair. They’re out now fighting all over the building before Satu suplexes Dale through a table. Satu breaks a bottle on the ring post & starts cutting Dale up with it to a “Carve him up!” chant. He does & now Dale too is tasting his on blood.
He gets Satu in a chair & hits a big running cross body on the floor. Dale lights a cigarette that he puts out in Jinns face before body slamming him on the floor & then double stomping him off apron to the floor. Sweet. Dales goes for a cover but a huge kick out by Satu. Satu fires back with a belly to belly for a near fall & now he’s getting his blade. He lays him across the chains in front of us & starts segmenting his forehead. Alexa, play Blood Lust by Venom.
Dale fights back with a choke slam onto two chairs but Satu back up gets Dale on the platform & places a trash can on his head. When he turns his back to adjust the table, Dale removes the trash can & pounds Satu onto the table. He hits a flipping senton accordioning Satu in the table. I know that’s not a word but it’s what happened. Only good for a two count.
Uranage from Satu as he tries to put Dale through an unbreakable door. Jealousy over all these fucking tables, I guess. Satu tries again going upside down in his attempt leading to Dale pile driving him into a chair for the three count. Dale still waiting on his make good title match.
Brandon Kirk w/ Kasey Kirk vs TANK w/ The Rev.
Melanie has gone to get me some fries when the Kirks music hits & I know she’s cussing me as she hears it. Kasey with a tube bundle & Brandon out with a light tube walker mocking TANK. It was pretty damn funny. TANK & the Rev out. Great promo from Dan about cock roaches, rats & mistresses that earns him a tube bundle shot, this too makes me laugh aloud.
Fortunately Melanie didn’t miss any of that & I’m now enjoying my fries. Dan on the floor laid out like Richard Belzer. “He Sleeping.” Brandon starts swinging on TANK but finds himself on his back from a TANK punch & TANK hits a double with the firework bat. Thumbtack bat to the nards followed by a gusset to the head. Then a bonus gusset in the arm just for fun.
Brandon begging off lures TANK in for throat punch & a tube bundle to the head. Part of that bundle ended up in my fries. Consider it an offering to the Death Match Gods for our chairs to make it to the end of the show. Brandon now mocking TANK with the walker before smashing the tubes in his face. TANK tries to fight back but eats a few more tubes & Brandon is now cutting him with the jagged edge.
TANK hits back with a tube of his own & introduces Brandon to its jagged edge. Beautiful looking DDT on some tubes to Brandon.
Only a two count. Kirk gets his own two count on TANK with a strong forearm to the back of the head. Brandon sets TANK on a table as Kasey climbs on to the platform. TANK now off the table yolks up both Kirks on his back for a big Samoan drop through a table. That gets a holy shit chant, but still only a two count.
TANK has the sickle but Kasey cuts him off with a low blow. She hooks TANK for something but before it’s executed the Rev is awake & armed with a tube bundle for Kasey Kirk. A huge explosion & Kasey is down. TANK with the spinning back fist & a huge Saito for the victory.
Post match TANK pounds on his chest as he & the Rev. soak up all that hometown love cause it’s oh so sweet.
“The Bev” Bobby Beverly vs Tommy Vendetta
That slick mother fucker The Bev sleazes out first oozing his poisonous charisma with his tassels flapping. Vendetta out second with a war face that would make a DI proud looking like a fifties greaser with his Fonzie hair do. Eyyyyy!
This battle of Michigan vs Ohio starts with a tube & punch exchange until the Bev clotheslines Vendetta out of his boots. BB puts a tube down the back of Vendetta’s shirt & smashes it, then smashes one down the front for good measure. Vendetta grabs his own bundle but the Bev hits a cross body exploding the tubes all over Tommy. I bet it made a pretty picture.
They fight around outside slicing each other up with glass. They both pound on each other with trash can lids. They have a bloodbath bar fight in the middle of the crowd & wind up back in the ring for another round of bathing in glass. Bev with the pop up knee & a sweet Japanese arm drag through the door.
Only a two count. DVD from Vendetta to Beverly on a bundle. Bev with a brain buster to Vendetta destroys a chair for a two & a half count. Backdrop driver from Bev but Vendetta up, Bev hits another one & Vendetta still gets up. Bobby B has had it. He kicks a huge bundle into Vendettas face & hits one more back drop driver to pick up the victory. This was outstanding, the Bev is a favorite & my first time seeing Vendetta live left me wanting more.
KRULE vs. SHLAK
This was one of the damndest things my eyes have ever witnessed. This wasn’t a match, hell it wasn’t even a fight, it was a WAR that somehow both men survived & certainly not from a lack of effort to kill each other. It was ugly & nasty, it was feral & predatory & bloodthirsty. It was above & beyond what any two humans should be legally allowed to do to one another. Enough of the all too true hype.
Here’s the WAR. KRULE out first & his music is as frightening as he is. SHLAK out next & hits the ring running as he physically removes Larry Legend before he takes a shoulder tackle from KRULE. They try & throw each other around & it already looks out of control. SHLAK suplexes KRULE on his head but he’s right back up putting his boot in SHLAK”s mouth. SHLAK hits KRULE with a chair then DDTs him onto the same chair from the ring to the floor.
They fight around the building & I think SHLAK breaks a bottle on the head of KRULE. SHLAK smashes a bundle on KRULE & after a snack of glass takes the shards & drags them down the back of KRULE. Inhuman shit. Instant red streak now down his back. They’re right in front of us smashing bundles & then start smashing chairs. They’re fighting behind us when SHLAK throws KRULE into the tarp covering the chairs & he disappears into a blue hole.
SHLAK unsatisfied starts to bury him in more chairs. He then takes a broken piece of chair & tries to stab it into the heart of KRULE. Our chairs are among the last few standing. That’s a win. SHLAK suplexes KRULE through a table & tube bundle that has KRULE pouring blood like a faucet. SHLAK smashes more bundles on him. Back in the ring SHLAK hits a light tube leg drop off the platform that nearly decapitates KRULE. That gets a holy shit chant.
SHLAK breaks out the suffocation bag but KRULE has too big of a head. He suddenly snatches SHLAK up for a head drop through a chair to secure the three count. The fight doesn’t end there as these two monsters have yet to tire of trying to destroy each other. They each get a half door & brain each other until the doors are splinters. One last stare down before they exit drenched in blood.
This was fucking spectacular. I leaned over to Melanie & said I’m glad John & Eric are next because nobody else could follow that match. This is what’s known as an Instant Classic! Absolute Horror.
John Wayne Murdoch vs Eric Ryan
Joel Bateman out to watch. Eric Ryan out first but before he can even get to the ring, Murdoch is all over him putting his face in glass. Huge bundle to the head & then a little slicing with the broken tubes.
John head butts some tubes in his face. Eric eats a garbage can full of tubes face first. Back in the ring with the tubes lining the chains, Eric gets tossed back first into the tubes. Now he’s tossed into them face first. It’s a fucking massacre & the Duke is talking some shit. John takes the knife to Eric’s head for some saw & slice but soon tires of it & goes back to smashing bundles on Eric. The King is under heavy fire & looking like a casualty at this point.
Another face first bundle for Ryan & a back breaker for a near fall. Eric still got some fight in him. JWM hits a Russian leg sweep on Eric onto another bundle. The crowd still behind Murdoch despite the fact he’s clearly not interested in their cheers tonight. The only offense tonight against John is when he mockingly broke a tube on his own head as he continues to rain glass down on Eric. He paints a door with the blood oozing from Ryan’s head.
Eric ducks a tube bundle swing & hits a shot gun drop kick shattering the tubes on Murdoch as he puts him through a table. JWM with a sick kick & a brain buster on some tubes. Ryan rolls out the ring. Back in the ring Eric hits a big tube bundle knee lift & both guys just start slugging it out. Murdoch hooks the Koji clutch but Ryan somehow powers out. He gets the Duke tangled up in the chains and starts a snuff stomp that JWM can’t escape & SPO calls for the bell.
Eric Ryan is the new number one contender. He’s finally got the Murdoch monkey off his back & he wants his title shot right now. Unless of course Joel left his balls in his wife’s purse. He did not & accepts the challenge. As he takes his shirt off Ryan blasts him with a light tube tope suicidal right to Batemans neck. Spectacular! A shot gun drop kick shatters tubes all over Joel before Ryan hits a cannonball in the corner crushing more tubes into him. Joel kicks out at two. Bateman hits his head butt that’s won him two matches already but the King kicks out.
Joel goes to the back for a box & comes out with the dreaded skinny tubes. People were abuzz at the sight of these skinny devils & even the King looks a little unsettled. Bateman starts smashing them on Eric & you can hear the difference. Eric ends up suplexing Joel into the remaking tubes before turning him over into the snuff stomp for another referee stoppage & we have a new champion.
This is so fucking great. The Bev is out to congratulate his stablemate. Ryan says whoever wants it, come & get it. Another incredible fight & moment between the Duke & the King as they continue to grow their legacy of greatness together& apart. What a great show! Can’t wait to do it again. Thank you & good night.
Take these chains off, Take 'em off of my heart.
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